The Ventriloquist

An online publication at and outside the boundary of evangelical Christianity.



September 2013

Galileo was Wrong

by Noah Lantz, on Satire, Creationism, September 2013

In the November 2012 issue of The Ventriloquist, I made the controversial statement that young earth creationism flew in the face of basic observations about the universe. I also, more or less, made the statement that teaching it at an academic institution was an insult to our intelligence and basic capacity to reason. To put it in my own words:

"… vocal protests against the teaching of Evolution and basic science stand alongside the Church’s treatment of the Heliocentric Theory four hundred years ago...Dr. Pahl is dismissed for suggesting that portions of Genesis shouldn't be read literally...Answers in Genesis (pioneered by Ken Ham) fights tooth and nail against scientific progress. Yet, there is no verse in the Bible that teaches that the earth is thousands of years old. Ideas—evidence, basic observations of the world around us—to the contrary are labeled as unbiblical and falsely refuted by a few propagators of ignorance, whose teachings of pseudoscience are consumed by a choir eager to hear their message."

However, after reviewing the facts and thoughtful comments on that article, I've come to the realization that my beliefs, however grounded in reason I then thought them to be, were completely out of place and relied upon interpretations of astronomy and geology that are even now falling to the wayside. Someone even informed me told me that some scientists hold to a young earth model. Who was I, a political communications major, to declare an entire group of scientists wrong? I have since come the conclusion that the universe is only 6,000 years old: Evolution didn't happen: we aren't distantly related to apes: and most importantly: Ken Ham is right.

It first occurred to me while I was on a fossil dig in Kentucky, desperately trying to unearth any shred of evidence to back the old earth mindset I had falsely been led to believe. I unearthed a Tyrannosaurus Rex fossil in remarkable condition in the so-called Triassic layer. Oddly enough, I couldn't find any human remains that far underground. Conventional geologists would suggest that's because humanity didn't evolve into existence until millions of years after the Tyrannosaurus. Looking back, I can only shake my head at their ignorance.

Clearly, the lack of human remains was a testament to the beast's insatiable appetite: not evolution with a capital E. The reptile, along with his dinosaur friends, had eaten our human and not-ape-ancestors and ground their bones into a bloody pulp that nature could not preserve. That, or floodwaters had buried our ancestors last since they could make rafts during the Flood, and that's why the Tyrannosaurus was buried like, first. Little arms meant it couldn't swim. I couldn't believe geologists had arrived at any other conclusion over the last century or whatever.

My brief venture into geology was further complimented by my brief look into a telescope, which again told me that my tenuous belief that the universe was billions of years old was undeniably wrong. It was obvious that the starlight I was seeing from distant galaxies hadn't traveled billions of years from their point of origin to reach my telescope. Instead, I realized that this light had been created en-route by God six thousand years ago , thus creating the illusion that these galaxies are billions of years old. It was obvious.

In fact, the basic observation that the further away we look from our planet the younger stars and galaxies appear, only means they were created to look billions of years younger, and that their light got here all on the same day when it was spoken into existence six thousand years ago. That, or the speed of light slowed down. It's definitely one of those things, or some other thing that explains it more convincingly.

The evidence speaks for itself. It was then I realized that the dismissal of people like Dr. Pahl, people who have the audacity to suggest that some portions of Scripture should be read more like a poem than a science textbook should be fired. Their beliefs conflict with what I want to believe: that I can read everything in the Bible literally, word for word, and not have to think too hard about what it means.
  Simply look at the fruit that Dr. Pahl's dismissal has since born for Cedarville University. Numerous professors and administrators have since left the university for more "open-minded" institutions. Articles in the New York Times, Dayton Daily News, and other publications have given the university free publicity. And most importantly, the so called "exodus" of faculty from the school have given us the ability to hire new professors who don't hold diverse opinions of what the Genesis text is supposed to mean. That means we don't have to give any kind of humbling credence to people who may disagree with us on this matter. We're certainly not going to hire those people!

Now, we can indoctrinate open minded college students with the only opinion that really matters: the true one. And we can add them to our wonderful choir; a choir that loves to hear its own beliefs spoon fed back to their young in an increasingly vain celebration of opinion. Who cares if what we're teaching them is accurate? Who cares if what we're teaching them lines up with reality? How else could we advertise in fringe publications like Answers in Genesis? This policy is what's going to keep bringing in tuition dollars from fundamentalist parents and donors. Not to mention keep us in line with an increasingly dogmatic Board of Trustees.

That's what college is supposed to be all about.